Q.

When my 9-year-old son gets angry, he slams doors, stomps his feet and yells at me. The other day, I asked him to pick up his toys in his room so I could vacuum and he pitched a fit. I’m not sure how I can make him stop, but this behavior is driving me crazy. He directs this behavior more at me than anyone else, including his dad. He’s an only child. How should I deal with this? – Andrea, Plantation

A.

Suggestions for Andrea vary greatly – from spanking and reprimanding her son to opening lines of communication and rewarding good behavior.

One Broward County mom wonders: “Why has she waited nine years to discipline her son? What he needs is a firm ‘No’ and a lot of love. He needs his butt busted. He’s not the boss, mommy is.”

However, licensed clinical social worker Gail Shandler sees the situation somewhat differently. This kind of behavior is pretty common, says Shandler, coordinator of the Family and Children Department at Ruth Rales Jewish Family Service in Boca Raton. A basically well-behaved child may still struggle for autonomy at this age, she says. The child needs to learn how to express his anger. And the parent needs to learn how to communicate effectively with her increasingly independent child.

Another issue is the ability of parents to accept that their children will feel angry from time to time; and that children need to learn how to express that anger appropriately and safely.

A parent might say, “No slamming doors or punching walls; but you can hit your pillows or a punching bag,” Shandler says. “Punching bags are great for 9-year-olds.”

Instead of trying to keep the child from getting angry, parents should try to discern what’s bothering the child. Perhaps the parents have been fighting.

Judy Ross of Pompano Beach says behavior modification worked for her. She suggests you draw up a chart that includes chores and activities the child enjoys, such as bike riding or playing video games. The child gets points for doing his chores and when he collects enough points, he can do certain activities.

Shandler suggests reading up on communication between parent and child. Her recommendation: How to Talk to Kids So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Rawson, Wade Publishers Inc.; 1980) by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Q.

My husband and I have two beautiful children – a 41/2-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. My husband and I are dark-eyed brunets, as is our daughter. However, our son is a blue-eyed blond who looks much like my mother. Our problem is this: Often when we’re out somewhere – a restaurant or a grocery checkout line – people will comment on my son’s beauty. Meanwhile, my daughter is standing there unnoticed. I usually thank the person for his or her kind words about my son and then turn to my daugther and tell her what a sweet girl she is. But it bothers me that these people don’t think to say something to her, as well. She is quite smart. She tends to silently take in everything around her. I’m sure it must bother her, too, that her brother gets all the attention.

Any advice on how to handle this? – L.S., Miami

Readers: Any advice for L.S.? A question of your own? Please write or call and include a phone number where you can be reached for verification. In Broward County, write to Parent Traps, Lifestyle, Sun-Sentinel, 200 E. Las Olas Blvd., Fort Lauderdale, Fla. 33301-2293. Or call 523-5463 and enter category 8361. In Palm Beach County, write to Parent Traps, Sun-Sentinel, 3333 S. Congress Ave., Delray Beach, Fla. 33445. Or call 930-5463 and enter category 8361.

Rose Boccio lives in Boca Raton with her husband and their 8-year-old and 15-month-old sons.